(This is an archived post from January 2024)
While reading the following passage, bear one thing in mind – this was written exactly one week before my biggest career achievement to date. I made it to the third round of the qualifying draw at the Australian Open, and even fought to get a match point.
Interestingly, this blog entry was my first time putting pen to paper about my tennis experience and sparked the idea to create a recurring blog. I archived this post because I wasn’t ready to publish such raw feelings. And maybe I also didn’t want to be so vulnerable to the public. What would admitting to having such low feelings right before a Grand Slam say to my opponents? Would this post somehow dim my accomplishments at the AO?
I am sitting in seat 14C somewhere above New South Wales as I fly between Brisbane and Melbourne. I also just had one of my most painful losses in the last few months. Yesterday’s match was disappointing in more aspects than one; making me feel like I am not good enough and not cut out for this sport.
I am 163 WTA in the world. Objectively, I am definitely good enough. The betters yelling at me on social media may disagree, but it’s just a fact. I am around my highest career ranking ever, recently won my biggest title yet, and have had an astoundingly good year. I jumped from 500 WTA to 155 WTA in under 12 months. So why do I still feel this way after just one loss? Because that is the nature of our sport. It is a constant whirlwind of emotions, ego and confidence. You constantly feel like you could be doing better.
Last month, I reached the finals of a 60k ITF and started knocking on the door of the top 150 rankings. This is an achievement I have been working towards since I started playing professionally. However, I spent the afternoon post-finals match stretching, packing, and driving 5 hours to the airport. Within 48 hours I was standing on the tennis court facing a formidable opponent again, getting my butt kicked in the first round of the next tournament.
The only way to continue is to constantly keep pushing forwards and onwards. Sometimes I forget that one bad loss does not define who I am, what I do, or what skills I have as an athlete. What determines my worth is my work ethic, fight, and attitude throughout the entire year. This is also what will eventually show on the court and in the rankings.
I am not writing this to complain how tough a life on tour is. I am writing this to explain just how much of a rollercoaster ride our sport is. You can play a tournament every single week. Every week there is a new opportunity. The beauty of it is that even if you lose, you can try again and again and again. However, if you win the entire tournament in one week, you have to restart the process again within about 48 hours. And that is a skill that is very difficult to learn. It’s one of the nuances that differentiates the best players from the lower ones. There is no sitting on your winning throne in tennis. Most likely, you will lose every single week. I have played 32 tournaments this year. I have won 4 of them. Therefore, despite having an incredible year of tennis, I have still felt harsh emotional lows in many of those weeks. Even if I made a “good result,” I still left the tournament feeling hurt, upset, sad, angry, or all of the above.
It’s always about…onto the next one.